You opened this so there might be a huge possibility you’re experiencing some kind of sadness today, or these past few days, weeks, or months even. Perhaps you’re not sad or feeling kind of down, but you know that you felt like this before and as much as possible, you don’t want to experience it again.
I wonder why is that. No, kidding aside, I know. I know the pain. I know the struggles. I know misery. I know the feeling when you just lost all that hope to feel better. With that said, let me help.
To you whose heart has become heavier than ever, to you whose life is all black and gray, to you who suffer from depression for quite a long time now, I might not actually understand the extension of your sadness and pain, but I’ve known them myself.
I know you find it hard to get up in the morning, especially if you have work or school to go to; and even if it’s a day when you’re supposed to just chill and be free, you still hate it when the sun shines on your face.
I know you don’t feed yourself enough even just to get through the day. I know you just eat because you have to, not because you enjoy the pleasure that comes from it.
I know you seldom see your friends anymore. Or maybe you still do. But I know that they are not aware of the depth of how miserable you feel. You keep trying to make them understand. But sometimes, they just can’t see through you.
I know you spend a great amount of your time daydreaming. You wonder if when the tables will turn. You wonder about the day in the future when everything will get better. But you feel worse because you can’t pinpoint any day for that.
I know most of us try to hide what we feel. We act warm, jumpy and light when people see us. We put our best smiles to show them that we are really fine. Little do they know that the face they see every day is a mask, and behind it is our face soaked in dark tears.
I know you can barely have a good night sleep because thoughts are running inside your head. You try to catch up, but you stumble. You try to understand their relevance because you wonder why they’re in your head all the time. You shake them off, but they just can’t seem to be moved.
I know you’re thinking of the possible solutions to make whatever you feel go away. Some of us might’ve already tried seeing therapists. Some of us have already extensively poured our dramas to our best friends. Some of us might’ve already taken medications just to make the darkness go away. But unfortunately, nothing seems working.
I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. I’m so sorry that you have to suffer from this. I hate that this happens because I know this is the last thing we want. But no matter how much down you are, how much you wallowed yourself in the mud, there are still some beautiful truths that you need to know.
You are not a darkness. You’re not a black hole, filled with void. You are not a continuous, unending space spiraling through nothingness. You’re a sunshine. You feel that the world is black and white, but there’s a middle space where you can see the bright yellow sun, the red flowers, the fun noise people make. Wake up in the morning and try to discover what you’re probably missing. I know you can find the good.
You’re not totally hopeless. You’re not a complete misery. You’re not right when you said you don’t have a purpose anymore. There’s always hope. Look at the bigger picture, and look at the people surrounding you. They’re also living in some kind of black world of their own, but they push through. There’s always hope. Only you know where you can find it, but I know that somewhere there and someday, you’ll be able to grab it. You will.
You’re not alone. You’re not going through this alone. You’re not going into a solo flight to the dark. You have family, a family of friends, your best of friends, and the rest of the community who suffer the same. Reach out, and let them know your miserable thoughts. I know that sometimes that they don’t get you, and I understand why it’s frustrating. But accept that they have limitations too. They can’t understand situations they haven’t been in. You often think that you bother them, that you can be a burden. But let them listen and try anyway. Sometimes, the constant presence of your loved ones is all you need. They’re there for you. Let them decide what they can’t handle.
We all go through our respective versions of hell, and some of us are getting burnt more. We’re already burnt enough that our eyes can’t see the good around us. We think we can never feel that happiness again, or we hope that we do, but we just can’t seem to know how and when. Then we get more frustrated and angry.
Give it time. It might have already been years for most just like mine, but please still try to go through this. You might not see the complete progress after one or a few attempts, but please do keep trying anyway. Find your inner strength. You think you’re weak because you’re feeling defeated, but the mere fact that you’re still alive and fighting means you’re way stronger than you think. Don’t underestimate what you can do.
Give it time. Stay strong. Win some more emotional battles if you have to because I can promise you.. the finish line is the most worthy. Allow yourself to see it, to see what’s waiting for you after you win the whole war. You will get through this. You will get through this. You will get through this.
I know it, because despite the years of intense pain, misery and hopelessness, years of thinking that getting better was an impossibility.. despite those years, I got through it, and you will too. You have my faith.